Grieving for Pet Archives - Cat Lady in the CanyonCat Lady in the Canyon

“There’s a message in the wild / And I’m sending you this signal tonight…”
Lyrics from “Missing You” by John Waite

I look up from whisking a couple of eggs I’m about to scramble for breakfast on Sunday morning, my gaze lingers down the hallway and onto the deck to see Lexington relaxing on the chaise lounge. An Alison Krauss CD is playing in the living room, and the moment I hear the lyrics, “I ain’t missing you at all, since you’ve been gone away…” she sings in a duet with John Waite is when I see Lexington, and for a second, I see Topper next to him. I blink. Topper’s gone.

The defiant lyrics of self-protective denial after lost love ring true as I subconsciously trick myself into believing that Topper is still here. I ain’t missin’ you Topper, because you’re not really gone.

After breakfast, I checked-out Instagram and the first thing I saw was a post by musician Adam Lasher to which someone made a comment referring to his cockatiel named Topper. Hmmm. Coincidence….? I think to myself.

Later on Sunday, it was almost twilight as I drove down Laguna Canyon Road to meet my friend Lori at The Cliff for a view of the sunset and a glass of wine when the car driving next to me sped-up causing me to see its license plate, which included the letters PAW. I smiled, thinking how cute that license plate has the word, “paw” in it! I glanced over to oncoming traffic, all the beach-goers heading home and I see another license plate, which among its numeric identification included the letters PAW. Seriously? Seeing the word “paw” in two different license plates within three seconds of each other must be some kind of sign, I muttered to myself. As the sun went down, Lori and I pondered the possible meaning of the “double-paw” sign. We came up with a few ideas: my strong animal—particularly cat connection; feline finger-gunning (paw-paw); a reminder that horses also call to my soul and that I must get back to riding lessons someday—no wait, that would be a “hoof-hoof” sign, I said. We cracked-up laughing as we attempted to crack the case of the mysterious “double paw” license plate sign.

This morning as the synchronistic events lingered in my mind, it hit me: maybe the “double-paw” sign was another way of Topper getting through to me; his way of saying hello and comforting me, letting me know that he’s still around, just in a different way.

Hey, Top Cat, I am missing you, a lot, even though I’m starting to adjust to your departure.

Keep the signs coming, Love Bug.

Four years ago, I lost one of my true loves—the love of a furry and tailed kind. I suppose that all my cats are, and have been true loves, but like certain people, Bella touched me on a soul mate kind of level. Pretty Bella 2

Bella had only been in my life for three years, far from the many years I was expecting to share with her. Over those three years, Bella had worked her way deep into my heart as she opened her guarded soul to me. I adopted her from New Beginnings for Animals and was her third home. When I met her at the PetSmart adoption center, she cautiously came out of her cage and carefully looked up at me. I knelt down to meet her face to face. She sniffed my forehead, cheeks and nose, stepped back and sized me up. The volunteer said that Bella had been there for months, yet never showed interest in anyone, gently urging me to consider this eight year old Persian mix. I had intended to adopt a kitten, but told the volunteer that I would think about Bella. Over the following days, not only did I think about Bella, I could not get her out of my mind. My desire for a kitten was overshadowed by my instant connection with Bella. It seemed that she’d been patiently waiting for me. A week following our introduction, I returned to the adoption center. Bella greeted me again, demonstrated her craze for catnip and I promptly signed adoption papers. This stoic beauty was coming home with me.

Bella and Cat Nip

Our initial connection grew into a strongly bonded relationship—bonded with love, trust and a lot of humor. I got such a kick out of her. Bella was a dancer trapped in a cat’s body and I was audience to her burlesque routines. Miss Bella would sashay across the hardwood floor, just beyond the coffee table, in front of the T.V. then stop mid strut as if remembering something important, which lead to a dismissive glance over her shoulder before she strutted off the “stage.” She appeared to be on her tippy toes, and her rubinesque behind swayed purposefully while her fluffy tail would oscillate in sync with her sassy struts. At the end of each act she ended-up on my lap loudly purring and proudly looking up at me with her big round orange eyes. I could see and feel Bella’s contentment—that sense of finally belonging; finally being loved and adored.

Three Little Kittens

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I still smile when I think about the three years we had together. And four years later, tears still fall when I think of our last day together—Bella snuggling with me, Topper and Lex on my bed for several surreal hours before the vet arrived.

At one point she sat up, stretched and nonchalantly licked her paw, then licked a drop of chamomile tea from my fingertip as if she were perfectly fine. Other than labored breathing and murky eyes she still looked healthy and beautiful. But the cancer had gotten the best of her, and she would have passed on her own within days. I couldn’t bear to see her suffer.

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Dr. Sultzer arrived at 2:30 p.m. on April 30, 2012 to help Bella cross over to the Rainbow Bridge. I held her as she peacefully passed with Topper and Lex by her side.

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