The Manifestation of Cat Mom

Posted on May 8, 2021 by Pamela Knudsen

After I sold my condo three years ago and started packing-up all my stuff in preparation to move, I came across a journal from my high school days. One entry stated that I didn’t want kids, that I didn’t like kids much and that I didn’t want to be married. Well, that explains things! At the age of fifteen, I set an intention that stuck. I’ve never been married and never had children. In my late 30s the desire to have a baby finally kicked-in, but my boyfriend at the time who I eventually became engaged to did not want kids. It was either stay in the relationship or break it off with the hopes of finding the right match and someone who wanted kids. I loved this guy and my desire to be in a romantic partnership was stronger than my need to have a child. After four years it turned out that we weren’t very compatible and despite the engagement, he was very trepidatious about marriage, which at the time was something I wanted. Turns out my views on marriage had changed since that teenage journal entry.

When I purchased a condo in my mid-forties, I thought about adopting a child. I had the room to raise a kid and a well-paying paralegal job. But the job was demanding and my workdays long. Between work, taking care of two cats, and myself I knew that I would not be able to dedicate the time, and would not have the energy it took to properly raise a child on my own. Instead…I rescued another cat, Topper.

Topper and Froggie

I loved having three kitties in the house. Lexington, Punkie and Topper. When Punkie passed away at the age of 20, I rescued another kitty, Bella. I wanted a kitten at the time, but at the age of eight, Bella had twice been relinquished to shelters. By the time I met her, she’d been with a rescue group for several months (older cats are often overlooked for adoption). Besides feeling an instant connection with Bella, my heart hurt for her. I wanted to give her the best home ever and all the love she deserved, and I succeeded. I witnessed Bella blossom from guarded and scared to loving and confident. Three years after I adopted Bella she died from lung cancer, which was devastating and took a long time to overcome. But then another cat, Bobcat sauntered into my life and once again I had another feline to love and care for.

Bella

Bobcat

Bobcat, Topper and Lexington have all passed, and now I have a new kitty, Samantha. Once again, my maternal instincts have resurfaced and are being put to good use. It didn’t occur to my fifteen-year-old self that I could have kids that didn’t involve human children, that I could adopt children of the feline sort.

Samantha and “Bobcat”

I’ve been a proud cat mama for thirty-three years. And although I actually adore children unlike my younger self, I have no regrets for not having children of my own.

Happy Mother’s Day to mothers of humans, cats, dogs, bunnies, goats, horses or whatever your child happens to be.

Bobcat’s Goodbye

Posted on January 30, 2021 by Pamela Knudsen

As I became conscious before opening my eyes, I instinctively reached for Bobcat. He was not in bed sleeping next to me. He must be standing guard at the front door or reclining by his scratching post, I thought. I anticipated that any moment I would hear him clawing at the scratcher or the click-clack sound of claws on the hardwood floor.

Within seconds of those thoughts, in my pre-dawn haze, I remembered that Bobcat was no longer with me. Just the day before he’d joined his best buddies, Topper and Lexington in Heaven. Over the course of three days after an advanced kidney failure diagnosis resulting from diabetes, Bobcat slowly started to succumb to the inevitable. Before he got any closer to suffering, I called Home Pet Euthanasia of Southern California. On Friday afternoon, January 15^th, Bobcat’s spirit was peacefully set free from his dying body.

Lexington and Topper

For the first time in thirty-three years, I’m without felines in my household. I’m a cat lady with no cats. Having had two or three cat companions in my life for all these years, and now, being completely alone is jarring to my soul.

Three Cat Night. From the top: Topper, Lexington and Bobcat.

Mornings are the hardest without Bobcat. I miss his good morning greetings of head-butts and “kisses” on my forehead and cheeks.

Early this morning I walked out to the old picket fence enclosing the yard to take in a stunning view of the full moon nestled in storm clouds. While moon gazing, I thought of Bobcat. He would have been standing right there next to me in the lemon clovers if he were still here.

Magical Moon

Not wanting tears to ruin my view of the beautiful scene in the sky, I stifled them. But as I walked back towards the cottage, tears started to slowly run down my face. Tears of sadness, yet, I smiled thinking that Bobcat’s precious spirit was with his compadres, Topper and Lexington, flying in the clouds and saying an enthusiastic “Hi Mommy!” to me from the moon.

I was in the midst of writing an entirely different story before I became a cat lady with no cats. I wondered how I would continue writing about my life with cats—sans cats. My mom and cat lady friend Gail both reminded me that I’m still a cat lady and have stories to tell. So I will continue my stories about Bobcat and other cats who were, or are still in my life. And once I’m past the grief of mourning; once I’m rid of cancer and I’m back to my lively self, I will have more stories to tell about a new feline family member…or two.

Photograph courtesy of Rachel Ault

To my precious Bobcat (who also responded to nicknames Bobby Cat, Bobba, Bobba Cat and Bibbidi-Bobbidi as called by friend Laura who thought him to be quite magical), thank you for your unwavering love, companionship, and for being a strong healing source in my life throughout my dealings with cancer.

I will miss you forever.

XOXO

Just You and Me, Cat

Aside

Bobcat’s napping on the bed and I can hear his soft snoring coming from the bedroom. I’ve got KXFM, Laguna’s radio station playing Americana music in the kitchen, but it still seems too quiet; too still. Not that I like loudness or lots of activity around me while I’m writing, but something about having two cats, one in the bedroom, one on my desk, both snoozing while I write brought just the right amount of background reverberations. And their complementing personalities, Lexington, protective and pensive, Bobcat, silly and boyish was the perfect energy mix to fill these four walls—and my heart with harmony, and lots of love.

Lex, my efficient assistant…

It’s been over thirty years since I’ve had only one cat in my household. Ever since that day in the late ‘80s, when I let an abandon sweet-faced kitty into my apartment who instantly connected with my one cat, Frankie, I learned that one is not enough, and have had two or three cats ever since (read bios of Frankie, Punkie, Lexington, Topper and Bella under “Meet the Family”).

Frankie and Punkie

I’m not the only one adapting to Lexington’s absence. Bobcat outwardly grieved for several weeks, not leaving the bed except to take care of basic needs, but even his appetite waned for several days.

Bobcat on Lexington’s cozy pad

Then a couple of weeks ago, I was making dinner and heard funny thumping noises in the living room, where I found Bobcat whacking Lexington’s green tennis ball across the floor. When he caught me spying on his newfound sports activity, he ran over to me and rubbed up against my legs over and over. I knelt down and gave him long, tight hug. The sound of his purring rivaled the rumble of a Harley Davidson. Bobcat had never even gone near Lexington’s tennis ball before, which made witnessing his first move towards healing extra special.

Bobcat has been in my life for about six years. During this time, I believe he understood my tight connection with Lexington and respectfully, didn’t interfere. But now, in our solitude together, Bobcat and I are bonding. We are building a routine. He now signals to me when he wants to play ball. I toss the tennis ball—he chases it and when that gets boring (after about one minute) then he attacks the toy mice that I’ve scattered around the floor. After I crawl into bed at night, he stands guard at the front door, watching for ominous critters (a giant raccoon recently sauntered up the walkway) and when he feels that all is well in the neighborhood, he hops onto the bed and curls up close to me. When Lexington slept next to me, Bobcat would usually sleep closer to the foot of the bed. I love seeing his personality blossom as his grief lifts, and as he adapts to his new roll in the household as the protector, and I cherish our deepening relationship.