Learning Living Loving

Posted on January 16, 2023 by Pamela Knudsen

“It’s times like these you learn to live again
It’s times like these you give and give again
It’s times like these you learn to love again”

Lyrics from “Times Like These” by the Foo Fighters

I awoke on Sunday, January 15^th feeling a little restless, but wasn’t sure why. I’d slept well, Samantha was curled up in a blanket-lined basket a few feet from the bed and it was Sunday—a day of doing what I pleased. Why did I feel heavy-hearted? I made coffee, settled into the cozy chair with the organic French Roast in my favorite owl mug and watched the dark predawn sky become light gray through the French windows. It was still lightly raining. Samantha was sprawled out by the small round ottoman on which my feet rested. I chuckled as I watched her watching me. She was so happy, and so at peace.

Then it occurred to me: January 15^th was the two-year anniversary of Bobcat’s passing. I mentally time traveled back to that day in 2021, his last day with me, two weeks before my cancer surgery. He was a major source of strength for me during my cancer battle, never leaving my lap, or my side.

Bobcat comforted me and kept me smiling, even laughing during some of the darkest moments. I recall wondering how I was going to manage without him; dreading coming home from the hospital several days after surgery to an empty cottage.

I lit a candle in Bobcat’s honor, said out loud that I loved and missed him, hoping that he could somehow hear me from Heaven then brushed off the heavy feeling as I got on with my morning. As I washed the breakfast dishes, the song “Times Like These” by the Foo Fighters came to mind. The chorus looped through my thoughts while I placed the clean, wet dishes onto the dish-drying rack. Now I needed to hear the song–for real, not just in my head. I asked Alexa to play it and I watched, on YouTube, an emotional Dave Grohl belt it out through tears during the tribute to Taylor Hawkins concert.

Music can bring light to situations. My cancer battle, the loss of Bobcat, although tough and heartbreaking, those times made me learn to live again. Then Samantha Jo came into my life, and I learned to love again, and Samantha gave me reason to give, and give again.

Watch/listen to “Times Like These” sung by Live Lounge Allstars (BBC Radio 1 Stay Home Live Lounge), a moving performance of 24 musicians during the COVID lockdown, which raised funds for various charities.

On Cats and Music

Posted on April 3, 2022 by Pamela Knudsen

There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.

~Albert Schweitzer

During my bout with cancer and its harsh treatments, two lifelines that got me through those painful and scary days and nights were my cat and my radio. I’ve been enamored with the radio since childhood, recalling like yesterday getting a bright blue transistor radio for my 10^th birthday, and in my early teens, Grandpa Knudsen introducing me to a disc jockey at KGY radio station in Olympia, Washington, who showed me the intriguing electronics behind the music, and gave me an Elvin Bishop album. And as a young adult, I wanted to get into radio broadcasting, but that dream got lost in life’s demands and obligations.

I mostly turn on my radio to listen to KX FM, Laguna’s very own radio station. During those dark days of cancer, listening to the station’s shows spanning genres from bluegrass to alternative rock with my adorable cat companion, brawny Bobcat glued to my side was comforting.

Bobcat passed away two weeks before my cancer surgery. Convalescing without my cat pal brought a new level of misery to my situation. Listening to songs and behind-the-music stories told by radio hosts helped me to escape, but coping was much more difficult without a cat. After three months of mourning, I adopted Samantha Jo from the Laguna Beach Animal Shelter on April 2, 2021; just in time see me through my last chemo treatment and seven weeks of radiation. For the past year, we’ve been helping each other heal, as she came to me recovering from bladder stone surgery, which she had to undergo after being relinquished to the shelter.

A lot has changed since April of 2021. Back then, Samantha was skeptical of me; she was guarded and offered only intermittent affection. Today, she lounges on my desk as I work, prances along with me when I dance around the house, and snuggles next to me at night while I sleep.

When Samantha is anxious and fearful because of the noises made by blustery wind or crows hopping around on the roof, I ask Alexa to play “Calm my Cat” and the lullaby melodies put Samantha at ease. Music’s calming effects aren’t limited to just the human species.

Last spring it seemed I’d never feel good again. I was wishing for my hair, eyebrows and eyelashes to make their come-back, and I was wondering if I’d ever fit into my skinny jeans again, which were still baggy from so much weight loss.

What a difference time can make. After pulling through the agony of illness and loss with a little help from my radio and a sweet-faced kitty by my side, my long-lost dream came true. Two weeks ago, with styled short hair and wearing those skinny jeans that I can now barely zip, I co-hosted one of my favorite radio shows on KX FM, The Coast Highway Shuffle. For two hours, host Steve Reid played songs that I selected as we bantered about the powerful impact that music has on our lives.

And I couldn’t let living my dream slip by without playing a song about a cat. As “Tomcat”, a ditty about an old ring tailed tomcat who struts around town resounded in my headphones, my heart swelled with joy.

Music and cats. What a purrrfect way to rejoice!

If you missed the radio show, you can listen to the podcast! Listen to “Tomcat” by The Rooftop singers along with my entire playlist on: The Coast Highway Shuffle!

Getting Stronger

Posted on August 22, 2021 by Pamela Knudsen

“After all you put me through / You’d think I’d despise you / But in the end, I wanna thank you / ‘Cause you made me that much stronger / Cause if it wasn’t for all that you tried to do / I wouldn’t know just how capable I am to pull through / So I wanna say thank you / ‘Cause it makes me that much stronger / Makes me work a little bit harder / Makes me that much wiser / So thanks for making me a fighter…”

Lyrics from “Fighter” by Christina Aguilera

I pulled a Christina Aguilera CD out of my collection and popped it into the CD player in my car for some listening pleasure on the way to an appointment at Hoag. My strength and energy, which were slowly making a comeback since my final cancer treatment seven weeks prior were waning. I started feeling worse—not better. My nurse reminded me that healing isn’t linear, but to make sure nothing else was going on, she had a couple blood tests ordered. I drove along the coast singing empowering phrases along with Christina’s powerful voice, feeling momentarily rejuvenated, and thanking cancer for making me stronger in so many ways, despite all it put me through.

I wasn’t the only one in the household dealing with health issues. Samantha had a debilitating bout of feline idiopathic cystitis or FIC (inflamed bladder with no apparent cause) in early June. We’d been back and forth to the vet four times in one month. FIC is hard to treat because it has no identifiable cause, such as infection. Many cats that get FIC are neurologically hardwired a little differently in that they are extra sensitive to noise and tend to be in a constant state of “fight or flight”, triggering an over reactive stress response causing bladder inflammation. FIC is also more prevalent in males and overweight cats (the above link covers all risk factors). FIC can be outgrown, but it can also be a life-long condition to be managed. Keeping kitty’s environment as stress-free as possible, proper diet and lots of hydration are the best medicine.

Upon learning all of this, I had an “ah ha” moment revealing what triggered the initial episode in Samantha being with me (she’d had it with her prior human, but wasn’t treated properly and it turned into bladder stones). It was a few nights before she displayed symptoms when I had a meltdown at 2:00 a.m. from being so beat-up from the cumulative effect of cancer treatments. The relentless GI issues that kept me from sleep and intense hives that could not be cured with any sort of meds caused me to belt out a scream of shear frustration and defeat that night. I was so tired, and sick of being sick that I lost it—until in the middle of that manic moment, Samantha came to mind and stifled my outburst. I got out of bed and turned on a light, and found her in the living room sitting upright and ridged facing the bedroom. “Oh sweetie! I’m so sorry!” I said through sobs as I hugged her. She looked up at me and started anxiously blinking her eyes over and over as though she was trying to calm me, but I think she was also trying to calm herself. Here she was still adjusting to a new home, and to my energy that was going in a downward spiral as radiation progressed, and now she was faced with cat mom gone mad.

Guilt weighed heavy on my heart for weeks. I let it go when I realized that manic moment was normal given my situation, and more important, part of Samantha’s healing regimen included me. I had to muster up enough strength not just to get through the final leg of radiation but also for Samantha’s well being. I had to be strong for her. I had to be positive for her. It wasn’t just about me anymore.

My blood test results turned out to be fine. Feeling debilitated on occasion along the way is part of the healing path. In hindsight, I was doing too much. Now, besides getting more rest and not pushing myself, I’ve turned to doing more things that cultivate healing, which in turn, are helping Samantha. The energy in the cottage is more peaceful. I’m feeling better and more grounded. And Samantha—she’s become more playful again; more affectionate and is showing outward signs of de-stressing.

I made the side patio escape-proof and created a catio! It’s been a joy to work on and Samantha’s stress levels have diminished (work in progress, here).